From a Couple Days Back...

From a couple days back...

Friday, May 3rd

It has been a while since I blogged. Nearly three weeks. It was really hard not to squeal our big WE GOT KNOCKED UP ON OUR HONEYMOON NEWS. All I could ever think about writing about was the back pain, the extreme fatigue, the pukies, the 3 am emergency yogurts. I anticipated writing this blog today or soon after to share the super news that we are knocked up.

But it turns out, we are not.

I was up bright and early yesterday morning, excited for a warm sunny day spent together, the three of us, with special plans.

We made cinnamon rolls and turkey bacon. I straitened my hair. Hadley put on her "Big Sister" shirt, that she doesn't even know what it says. We rolled out the door, even a few minutes early!

But the moment I saw the little sac on the screen, I knew the baby was missing. Honestly, my first thought was "I knew I should have taken another test before we came in." Which is silly, considering the last pregnancy where I was in denial, and took SO. MANY. PREGNANCY. TESTS. Just to find out there is no such thing as a false positive.

Blighted Ovum.

We fertilized an egg, and the ball got rolling, but very early on, before I ever took that test, that fertilized egg stopped developing and absorbed back into tissue. 

However, my body hasn't figured that out yet. So, while every week, Daddy has been kissing my belly, following growth and development, from a sesame seed, to an apple seed, to a blueberry, to a raspberry and then a green olive, and I have been nauseous, starving at 3am, asking for boneless chicken wings daily, and dragging my feet behind a two year old, and busting out of my jeans, it's been all for nothing.

There is no baby. Just junk I can't use. And have to get rid of. 

So, instead of telling you all we are getting Hadley a sibling this December, I get to tell you all that we are sad and I am fat for no good reason. 

This next Wednesday, my super amazing Dr. will be doing a second ultrasound to be 1000% sure of the diagnosis. 

I already know he is right. When we had our ultrasound with Hadley around 8 weeks, she had four limbs, and I swear even toes and fingers, and danced for us. There won't be anything different in five more days.

After that, I will go in for the minor surgery to remove all that junk. Which, I hear is better than having to go through the process on my own. Though I still struggle to understand that, as a new miscarriager.

I consider myself lucky that I was handed "Blighted Ovum." It always breaks my heart to hear a friend going in and seeing their baby with no heart beat. I probably wouldn't have gotten my butt out of bed today if that had been my experience. Thank goodness for sweet Hadley who took me to the park to play with friends!!

As I look back at what I have written here today, I am at an OK moment. There have been lots of tears. A sleepless night. An outburst over paying money to NOT have a baby. Lots of laying around NOT taking awesome care of my family. I'm sure an hour from now I may want to curl up and die again. But for now, I will go eat some yummy dinner with my loves, and enjoy some sunshine.

XOXO, Al